SMS- Comments for 'Wi Wi Jumbo'

46 reviews by Wi Wi Jumbo..

Alex Kidd in High Tech World

2003-05-16
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This poser crap is getting pretty old. The sad thing is that it's the people like ME and Everyone, people who actually comment on the games, that are driven from this site. I'm not saying you can't try to be funny, God knows I try like all hell, but using someone else's name is unethical and cowardly. This isn't anything that someone hasn't said before, but it bears repeating. I know full well it won't do any good to call these fakirs (great word, by the way) out, it may even subject me to the same kind of attack. But this brings me to my main point. We must all be diligent when reading posts and we must carefully try to determine authorship by comparison to a person's earlier posts. A slipshod process, no doubt, but it is necessary for those of us who come to this site for legitimate purposes to try to stay above the fray. We all know from personal experience that one of the hardest things in the world to do is to ignore attention-seekers. They don't care if you love them or hate them, they just want a reaction, any reaction. The only conclusion to be drawn from any of this is that assholes will be assholes and that is unlikely to ever change. I would be remiss if I didn't comment on this game. There are good things to say about Alex Kidd in High-Tech World, but I will leave those to others. I found this game very frustrating and far too difficult for someone as impatient as I am. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I died after putting on samurai armor (or armour for BrE and CanE speakers). I'm not exactly sure how that would kill a person in and of itself, but it sure did. I would like to think that my loved ones or at least a retainer would have looked for me before I succumbed to starvation, which I assume was the ultimate cause of death. Also, if in real life I come upon samurai armor in a room, I'm going to put it on. How many times will that opportunity present itself during a lifetime? I was also electrocuted by the broken computer, but I admit to my own carelessness on that one. All in all, this game rates about 4 AKs. I enjoy making my small contribution to this site and it is upsetting to see how disrespectful people can be both to the site itself and to those that have a genuine interest in the SMS. To the legitimate ME and the legitimate Everyone, don't allow yourselves to be driven away by frauds. It is frustrating, I am sure, but this site, no matter how important you deem it, cannot be surrendered to the nihilists. Sic semper tyrannis.

Rating:

Psycho Fox

2003-05-11
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This is probably my favorite game, but recently something has been bothering me. If Psycho Fox can change into other animals, why not just change himself into Bird Fly? The little fellow is nigh invincible. Is it some kind of anti-bird conspiracy? Racism perhaps? It's very disturbing if you start to think about it.

Rating:

Ghostbusters

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I actually beat this game once after much difficulty. In fact, after I defeated Gorza (sic) I believe I just ripped the cartridge out of my SMS and never played it again. It's a pretty good game overall, but the march up the stairs is frustrating enough to make one tire of the whole Ghostbusters experience. I really don't think getting hit by a dinner plate would kill you anyway. Does anyone else think that Gozer in the movie looked a lot like Annie Lennox? I do. No disrespect intended.

Rating:

Alien Syndrome

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: A good looking game, but too difficult to really rate that high in my book. Even more upsetting is the fact that I'm not convinced that the aliens in Alien Syndrome had any malevolent intent towards humanity. The instruction booklet tells us that "a battalion of Earth Command Troopers attacks the alien fleet" and are subsequently taken hostage. If these admittedly powerful aliens constitute such an immediate threat to the human race as to warrant a preemptive (or preventative, in current parlance) strike, why take hostages in the first place. If they have come to destroy all of mankind, as we have been lead to believe, why not simply begin the process by killing the aforementioned hostages? It just doesn't make sense. Hostages are taken only when their negotiated release can produce some tangible gain for their captors. What could the aliens want in return for our captive troopers? I honestly don't know, no one does. That's really the crux of the problem. Nobody thought to ask the aliens what their intentions were before we attacked them out of our own fear and xenophobia. Are they the monsters, or are we?

Rating:

California Games

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Several people have mentioned that they have masturbated with the help of the girl pictured on the box cover. To each his own, I guess, but the idea of masturbating to, or fantasizing about, an essentially headless woman is anathema to my own tastes. A woman should never be just a body. I can't claim to have never objectified women, but I do need to know what the entire woman looks like. A woman's face is the very essence of her beauty, a window into her soul. Without it, there can be no real connection, even if that connection never exists anywhere but in a young boy's fantasies. The game is okay, but video games should really center around things that you can't just go outside and do.

Rating:

Fantastic Dizzy

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Let's not just throw the word "fantastic" around willy-nilly.

Rating:

WWF: Steel Cage

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Stacey Keibler gives me boners. I'm quite sure she wouldn't be in this game, but it did make me think of her and I have to give it credit for that. I love you, Stacey! No one will ever love you more than I do. If you won't be with me, I don't know what I'll do. I give this game a rating of ten Alex Kidds. No...ten Stacey Keiblers! Come back to me, baby. It'll be better this time.

Rating:

Altered Beast

2003-05-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I thought I had this game, but now I don't think so. Great review, huh! Does anyone else hear that music? It makes me want to hurt people. I'll rate this bastard a 5 because I remember the arcade version was good and because the music drowns out the cacophony of the demonic voices that haunt my waking hours. Thank you, KENNETH.

Rating:

Gauntlet

2003-05-06
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Why do the ghosts line up behind doors and walls? They're fucking ghosts! They shouldn't need to wait for me to open a damn door. That has bothered me from the very first time I played the arcade version of Gauntlet. Go through the walls! Shit!

Rating:

Terminator

2003-05-05
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I haven't play the game, but the movie was great. Well, maybe it wasn't great, but it had it's moments. More specifically, I used to pause the video when a decent look at Linda Hamilton's breasts presented itself and pull myself off. Back then that was about as close to real porn as I could get. This may seem unpleasant to many, but I'm not sure how many people really understand how ill a man can become if he doesn't masturbate frequently. Do I like to do it? That's beside the point. All that matters is that if I don't regularly work my gherkin I will get really sick. So do it I must.

Rating:

Slap Shot

2003-05-04
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I like this game only because I am relatively good at it, though I guess that's true of most any game. In truth, there is probably more I don't like about it than I do. Several people have mentioned in their posts that they liked the fact that they controlled the goalie. While there's something to be said for controlling your own fate, as it were, in my experience being in control of the goalie was as much a hinderance as it was a help. Controlling the goalie too often meant controlling only the goalie as you couldn't maneuver both your skaters and goalie effectively at the same time. Often this results in an opposing player (or players) camping out in front of my goalie and getting three or four good whacks at the puck. Why my defense can't clear either the crease or a rebounded puck even half the time is a frustrating mystery. This wouldn't be nearly as bad as it is if the actual control you have over the goalie was smooth or even consistent. Sometimes he barely moves at all, especially when I want him to move out and challenge a shooter by cutting down the angle on a shot. Other times, generally when an opponent is standing in the crease completely unmolested by my defense, the goalie will take off like a rocket when I try to move him just a little to take away a close-in shot off of a rebound. More than anything, I would just like the freedom to challenge the puck-handler with my defensemen instead of having to worry if I'm taking my goaltender out of position inadvertantly. Another problem I have with Slap Shot are the fights, particularly the randomness with which they occur. Certainly I appreciate the role of enforcer in the game of hockey, but fights are all but nonexistant in international hockey tournaments such as this. I also imagine the fights can be rather fun when you're playing against a friend, but I have no friends and no real prospect of getting one. I wonder if anyone who has ever played this game has ever won a fight against a computer opponent. I've never been able to even hold my own. By the time the screen changes from the normal view of the ice to the close-in view of the fight I'm already getting pummeled mercilessly. To add insult to injury, the computer player, after administering a vicious beating to my hapless player, is awarded with a power play. At the very least there should be matching major penalties for fighting. But no, they get a fucking power play! I usually don't even throw punches at all during fights. What's the use? A "no fight" option would have been a nice feature. Perhaps I am being too hard on an 8-bit hockey game. No doubt I am, but hockey is my favorite sport and I would like this game to be more than it is, perhaps more than it could ever really be.

Rating:

Reggie Jackson Baseball

2003-05-02
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This is quite a good game, probably as good as an 8-bit baseball game could be. I want to make it clear that I like the game because I am now going to list most of the grievances I have with it. First of all, why does my pitcher cover third when the batter hits a weak ground ball right at him? And why is any opposing pitcher, regardless of his ERA or his supposed specialty pitch, able to blow fastballs by me at up to 110 mph when I can barely pitch in the 90 mph range? Speaking of those specialty pitches (those listed when selecting your starting pitcher), what the hell is a parm? I understand the slowball and the forkball, but parm? What the fuck? I've followed baseball almost my entire life and I have never once heard the word "parm" spoken in any situation, baseball or otherwise. Another thing is that sometimes when my first baseman fields a ground ball close to home plate or the mound, neither the pitcher nor second basemen cover first. Usually they do, but in those rare instances they don't, my throw to first for an out often ends up in the outfield. I also wonder if anyone out there has ever been able to pitch a no-hitter against the computer. I've had several one-hit shutouts in my career, but there always seems to be some quirky play that fucks over my pitcher's attempt at baseball immortality. Often a throw to first will somehow hit the base with a dull thud and bounce around, my usually reliable first baseman staring around perplexed, unable to find the ball until after the runner has safely reached first. It used to really piss me off, but now I'm convinced the computer cheats and will do everything in it's limited power to thwart a history making no-hitter. Maybe the computer isn't cheating, but I would like to think so. My last two complaints are relatively minor to the casual baseball fan, but far more egregious to a statistics conscious nerd such as myself. First of all, if I get thrown out at second base I should still get credit for a single. Afterall, I did safely reach first base. Second, an opposing player will get credit for a hit when he reaches base on a fielder's choice. That's bullshit! Despite this unusually lengthy diatribe, I would like to reiterate that I really do like Reggie Jackson Baseball and would recommend it to anyone, especially those poor people who grew up under the evil tutelage of Nintendo.

Rating:

Cloud Master

2003-04-28
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I played this game for the first time recently via an emulator. I find myself very conflicted about it. On the debit side, it seems viciously hard to make any progress into higher levels. This could be a product of my pronounced sucking at shooters. Whatever the reason, it doesn't make for a particularly enjoyable time. Competing for high scores is one thing, competing to see who can get an ulcer first is quite another. How about continuing upon your fiery demise from the point where you came to grief instead of the very beginning of the level? That would have been helpful. On the other hand, Cloud Master is beautifully rendered, at once both colorful and subdued. The backgrounds are wonderfully done, the first level rather evocative of landscape paintings. Due to the difficulty of the game, a rating of five is all I feel I can give Cloud Master despite my sincere appreciation of it's beauty. Were there flying bowls of rice shooting at me?

Rating:

Rampage

2003-04-28
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Graphically a good translation, but overall quite mediocre. The controls were clunky and frustrating. If I recall correctly, the arcade started with you razing various rust belt cities like Peoria or Buffalo or the like. I felt less comfortable performing an impromptu slum clearance in cities like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Las Vegas. These are in far less need of urban renewal programs that cities in the Midwest or Northeast. Even so, I can't really dislike any game that allows you to eat people.

Rating:

Rambo: First Blood Part II

2003-04-28
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Now, I'm no expert on such matters, but Rambo shouldn't have an RPG round stuck in the end of an M-60. What the fuck, Rambo?

Rating:

Double Dragon

2003-04-27
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This is a great game. Who among us has not teared up when we finally rescued our beloved from those cruel, heartless thugs. For one brief, beautiful moment our hearts are as one and we hope against hope that this feeling of sheer joy will last forever. But my thoughts inevitably turn to what those monsters must have done to my girl before I could come to her rescue. Surely it was more than just the punch in the stomach before those bastards carried her off (Sadly, that lone punch killed our unborn child). Unfortunately, it's quite obvious she was gang-raped repeatedly in my absence. Over and over those animals forced themselves inside her and hammered away for hours, one after the other, their depraved moans of sexual release matched by my love's cries of anguish and pain. Cries that fell on deaf ears. No doubt they violated her with all manner of objects. Beer bottles, baseball bats, sticks of dynamite, pool cues, whips, bananas, golf clubs, carrots, tennis rackets, drum sticks, fists, dildos, pencils and pens, magic markers, screwdrivers, hammers, cucumbers, popsicles, garden hoses, fire hoses, broomsticks, hot dogs, stiletto heels, knife handles, curling irons, candles, turkey basters, toothbrushes, hair brushes, wine bottles, shampoo bottles, flashlights, Barbie dolls, Ken dolls, miscellaneous action figures, letter openers, staplers, canes, crutches, hockey sticks, croquet mallets, batteries (C and D cell), back scratchers, chess pieces, pliers, candy bars, bread sticks, plungers, crow bars, and tire irons just to name a few. These vile scumbags undoubtedly filled every orifice with their demonic seed. Vicious dogs, big ones, were surely set upon her limp, prostrate frame. Without any shadow of a doubt these beasts ravished her ceaselessly until their cruel canine lusts were sated, their sadistic masters looking on with grim satisfaction. She may have been saved from these savages, but she has many long years of therapy ahead of her, not to mention several reconstructive surgeries. Her life will never be what it should have been. Bruises and cuts heal, but will she ever be able to forget the hell she was put through? When she wakes up screaming every night because her horrible ordeal keeps replaying itself over and over again in her mind, will you be able to comfort her? Can you honestly tell her that everything will be alright? Will she even be the same woman you fell in love with? Think about that the next time you think you've "won".

Rating:

Penguin Land

2003-04-26
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This is a very rare game indeed. I completely suck at it, but it's still fun. There are very few games that can be difficult without becoming unbearably frustrating. Offhand, this is about the only one I can think of. Great game.

Rating:

Mirracle Warriors

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I really hate Miracle Warriors. I probably always will. Why? Because I absolutely blew at this game. Basically I suck at RPGs anyway, but this one seemed so slow and repetitive, not to mention quite difficult. To be fair, Miracle Warriors does have some positive attributes. The option of playing as Freddie Mercury or a young Rod Stewart was nice, even though Rod Stewart is a prick. I also like the fact that the main bad guy was, in fact, female. That's right, there's no glass ceiling when it comes to being a Dark Lord. Not only that, but Terarin was kind of hot, at least in the instruction booklet. Sure, she had wings and a tail (among other things) and was pure evil, but come on. She just had a way about her that was very sexy. After all these years she still makes my pants dance. Another positive was that one of your so-called possessions was a "pot" with "herbs" in it. Subtle. None of these things can mitigate the general shittiness of this game. Why did the merchants dress in giant rectangles? That will bother me the rest of my days. And when it would say "A thief, what will (whilst?) you do?", who the fuck was asking? I'm all alone traipsing around the Five Lands and some asshole is asking me questions at the most inopportune times. One time I got bored and wandered though this desert until I ran afoul of a giant, unbelievably powerful worm. A giant worm? In the desert? It's a good thing Frank Herbert had already passed away because this thieving son of a bitch would have killed him. I give this pile of shit 6 AKs because the thought of Terarin has given me an erection.

Rating:

Black Belt

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Goddamn it! You stupid assholes better start talking about Black Belt and how derivative it was. By the way, I'm of mixed race, in my mid-twenties, and do not always enjoy life. I do love Hisp/Italians though. Five AKs for Black Belt.

Rating:

Black Belt

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I apologize. I lashed out at you because of my own insecurities. Please, comment on Black Belt, this site is all I have. Five AKs.

Rating:

Black Belt

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Sage advice hornycocksniffer. May the Good Lord give you the strength to sniff all the cocks that ever dangle in front of your face. Five Alex Kidds.

Rating:

Power Strike

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Sega had an annoying habit, especially in the later years of the Master System, of making box covers that were more exciting than the actual games. This would probably qualify. As would After Burner, Thunder Blade, Spellcaster, Kenseiden, Blade Eagle 3-D, and Cloud Master among others.

Rating:

Bram Stokers Dracula

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I didn't care for the game, but the movie was good. Wait...No it wasn't. Maybe I was thinking of "Stroker Ace". Now that was Burt Reynolds at his best. Not to mention yeoman work by Ned Beatty in his greatest role not involving sodomy and "squealing like a pig". Because of the screenshot above showing people impaled on spears I rate this game a four.

Rating:

Rocky

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Remember when Drago killed Apollo Creed? That was bullshit, man! Bullshit! Fuck you Drago!

Rating:

Montezumas Revenge

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I played this game recently via an emulator and I'm sorry I did. Never before had a Master System game made me wish my old Atari 2600 still worked. Pit Fall is clearly superior to this turd, and that is sad, very sad. I love the SMS, but to put this game on the market alongside games like Space Harrier or Zillion was a slap in the face.

Rating:

Strider

2003-04-25
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I almost bought this bitch after playing the arcade game. Dodged a bullet on that one. Not only is this Strider a poor translation and genuine septic stick, it also has THE worst box cover of any SMS game. Look at it. Would you want to pretend for a moment that you're this purple penis eater?. I wonder how many people reached for this game only to recoil in horror when they saw this dickless wonder. He looks kind of like Jeff Daniels. Sorry, Jeff.

Rating:

Thunder Blade

2003-04-24
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Thunder Blade. Those two words will forever remind me of the greatest disappointment I ever faced from my beloved Sega Master System. Thunder Blade ruined an entire Christmas for me, and that was back in the day when Christmas was fun, not the "Hey, great. I needed a new wallet" type Christmas that we face as adults. My parents kept asking me that year what I wanted for Christmas. Again and again I answered "Thunder Blade" each time more emphatically than the last. And they got Thunder Blade for me because they were and are great parents. How excited I became when I unwrapped and opened a large cardboard box only to find a cleverly concealed Mega Cartridge. I could hardly wait to play it having longed for this moment for what seemed like many months. The time had come. I played the game. The graphics were good. The sound effects were fairly good, the explosions being especially crisp. Then, after playing roughly fifteen minutes on that cold late December morning, I had progressed as far into that damnable game as I ever would. What was worse was that I instantly realized it. There would be no slow advance into higher levels as with After Burner or Space Harrier. No, for me there would be no slogging through this bastard. Over the months and years that followed I would occasionally play Thunder Blade again, but the outcome would never be any different, just as I had always known. The only change was that of a young boy's spirit crushed, a zest for life extinguished, a soul blackened by hatred. Hatred for Thunder Blade. Over time, this hatred turned to despair and frustration. Despair over a childhood destroyed. Frustration over an innocence lost, never to be regained. To this very day my life has been nothing more than a Jimmy Carter style malaise, an uneasiness broken only by either turning to the bottle or to a fleeting moment of sexual release by my own hand. My only consolation over the years was the realization that there was one man who may just hate Thunder Blade as much as I. That man? Roy Scheider, star of the film "Blue Thunder" of which Thunder Blade is an obvious yet shameless rip-off. He has to be pissed.

Rating:

Thunder Blade

2003-04-24
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: That wasn't really Roy Scheider, it was me. I shouldn't have posted a message in his name, but how many lives will Thunder Blade destroy if we stand by and do nothing? I do, however, offer my apologies to all of you, especially Mr. Scheider.

Rating:

Casino Games

2003-04-24
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: It's good to teach children to gamble. A nice feature would have been a pawn shop to hock your belongings (wedding bands,strollers, etc.) for more cash. Perhaps an option to prostitute yourself (for the ladies) or pimp your wife, girlfriend, or daughter would have been nice. How about a "Game Over" screen with you throwing a whiskey bottle at your wife as she leaves you? Gambling is great.

Rating:

Zillion

2003-04-22
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I love games that require paperwork. Writing down page after page of code symbols just to open doors is a great deal of fun. Need I mention the joy of creating your own map just so you can find your way around? Now that is time well spent. You know what else is great? Sarcasm.

Rating:

Joe Montana Football

2003-04-12
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I've never played this game, but since Joe Montana does seem to be a nice guy I'll give it a 7. It does give me the opportunity to mention Walter Payton Football (exact title unknown) also for the SMS. Does it really exist? I remember having it. I remember playing it. Yet no record of it seems to have survived. It wasn't really that great, but it was a hell of a lot better than Great Football. Walter Payton was a very nice man and his death was a great loss for us all. Also, I believe he wore a white headband on the box and instruction booklet. Did I really see these things? Did the headband say SEGA on it, or did his jersey? Did the crowd in Great Football chant "hey-oom...hey-oom...hey-oom" when a touchdown was scored? Also in Great Football, wasn't there a team named the Bombers and yet no option for scoring a rouge (Winnipeg forever)existed? Why not ask these last questions on the Great Football page? We may never know.

Rating:

The Ottifants

2003-04-12
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: What the hell is an Ottifant? Judging by the screenshot they must be some sort of bipedal Proboscidean. Could I have said "elephant" instead of "proboscidean" just now? Yeah, I could have, but I paid $150 for an unabridged dictionary and I'm going to get some use out of the fucking thing. Also, the taxonomy of Ottifants is far too uncertain to simply use the term "elephant". Sorry for the "fucking" earlier, but I find these Ottifants unsettling. Thus a rating of 4 AKs seems appropriate. By the way, that's not the first time I've apologized after a fucking.

Rating:

Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story

2003-04-11
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Every time I tried to play this game I kept hearing this deafening noise that made it impossible to concentrate on it or anything else. I think it was the sound of Bruce Lee spinning in his grave.

Rating:

Wonder Boy

2003-04-11
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this as I am unable to read (my helper monkey Tina is typing this), but Wonder Boy's girlfriend is a little unspectacular. I would say she is fetching, but most dogs can fetch. Am I right, folks? On the other hand, maybe she is very loving and supportive. Good for you, Wonder Boy! I give Wonder Boy 5 AKs for not being shallow.

Rating:

Astro Warrior

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I've never been much of a shooter fan, but I really enjoyed this game. I completely forgot about that "SURELY REVIVE" stuff until I read it in Jeremy's post. That always cracked me up. Perhaps something was lost in the translation, but it always made me feel as if my SMS was rooting for Zanoni.

Rating:

Choplifter

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Shooting the hostages was fun, but in some ways it was more satisfying to crush them under my landing skids. They were so close to freedom. I could almost see their faces grimacing in a horrible admixture of surprise and terror.

Rating:

Time Soldiers

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: A very solid game overall, but why the hell would I want to kill dinosaurs? I love dinosaurs! As others have mentioned, however, I was always disturbed by the gross historical inaccuracies of Time Soldiers. How many of my schoolmates' impressions of ancient Egypt or the Mesozoic era were formed, malformed really, by this insidious game.

Rating:

Paperboy

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Paperboy? Paperboy? When I was a kid it didn't occur to me how stupid this premise was. I could have actually been a paperboy if I had wanted. I imagine it would have been as much fun as this pantload ever was. Why not have a drive-thru window simulator?

Rating:

Global Defense

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This game highlights the obvious problem of any proposed missile defense system. Sure, you might stop one or two missiles, maybe even a dozen or so, but some will always get through, especially in a world of MIRVed warheads and decoys. Only one would have to reach its target to unleash the greatest destruction ever visited upon humanity. Such a program only encourages an ever escalating arms race that will imperil the entire human race. Also, I thought the graphics sucked.

Rating:

Zool

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I've never heard of this game before so I can't really comment on gameplay, but the screenshots are giving me seizures making continued typing difficult. I give it 5 AKs for being absolutely fascinating, but cannot rate it any higher due to the aforementioned debilitating seizures.

Rating:

Rastan

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Although I still appreciate the bare breasted monstrosities pictured in the instruction booklet, an appreciation that includes their continued prominence in my sexual fantasies, I now realize that Rastan may be responsible for my confused adolescence. The odd beauty and perceived sluttishness of the Gorgons, Meduzae, and Harpies ran counter to the obvious homoeroticism that permeated the rest of the Rastan universe. While I never truly wavered in my love of and longing for the sweet, sweet tuna taco that only women possess, I couldn't help but admire Rastan's long, flowing hair and powerful musculature. For being the source of this early foray into bi-curiosity I have reduced Rastan's rating by half.

Rating:

F-16 Fighting Falcon

2003-04-08
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I had always regretted not getting this game, but the scathing comments all of you wonderful SMS loyalists have posted have really lifted my spirits. Now I can while away my worthless life ruing over unrequited love and the fact that I'm not flexible enough to make autofellatio a meaningful undertaking. Also, my most recent (LAST seems so pessimistic) girlfriend found the idea of "doggy-style" sex dehumanizing, which is understandable as it is referred to as "doggy-style" (or sometimes "horsey-style") as most of God's creatures copulate in such a manner. It is also rather impersonal compared to positions that facilitate face-to-face contact. Sorry for the digression, but more than that I'm sorry you nice people lost money on such a crappy game, money that could have been spent on far less crappy games.

Rating:

Rastan

2003-04-07
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: Rastan was never one of my favorites, but I have to give it a rating of at least 8 because of the topless chicks in the instruction booklet. Thank you for the soft-core porn Sega.

Rating:

Rambo III

2003-04-07
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: This game was released at a very bad time, geopolitically speaking. With glasnost and perestroika in the air, butchering hundreds of Soviets just didn't seem as fun as it would have even a few years earlier. Also, I can help but think that Rambo may have been unwittingly helping Osama bin Laden or the nascent Taliban. Perhaps what I dislike most about Rambo III is that it turn me into a remorseless killing machine.

Rating:

Psycho Fox

2003-04-07
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: When my SMS crapped out several years ago I realized immediately that I would miss Psycho Fox like no other. Although I realize it may not have been a truly great game I always had fun playing it and rarely got pissed off. Sure, Psycho Fox could be frustating like any game, but it always seemed so colorful and cheery that winning and losing seemed to be only half the fun. Basically, this game turned me into a pussy. I did manage to beat it (the game)and this represented one of the greatest achievements of my life up to that point, an achievement exceeded only by having actual sex with an actual woman several years (too many) later. A rating of 9 or 10 would have been warranted had the hippopotamus not been pink.

Rating:

Space Harrier

2003-04-07
From: Wi Wi Jumbo
Comments: I love Space Harrier and I always will. Sometimes I wish I was Space Harrier (or is it THE Space Harrier?) then other times I dress up in tight blue pants and go-go boots and run around holding a baseball bat under my arm like Space Harrier's gun. Then I run and run as fast as I can, leaping ever higher in a vain attempt to touch the sky, nay, to touch the very face of God. After about an hour of this, if the police haven't shown up, I drag myself back home, for I have then become failure incarnate. Then I cry a lot. Then I masturbate watching taped episodes of Lizzie McGuire. Then I cry more, repeating this cycle of self-abuse for another two hours or so. Thank you Sega.

Rating: